I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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