It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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