I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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