It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
