babies were throwing up all over the place
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize