All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
