I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
