I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
