Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
