I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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