Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
