at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
