Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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