I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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