Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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