I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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