this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
