I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
