If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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