I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
