i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
