I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My liver just had a heart attack.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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