My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We left the knife in your bed.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
