I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Randomize
