I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
