I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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