I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
