We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
