Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
