He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
