New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
