I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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