Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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