Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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