It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
