he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
