I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
