shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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