I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
