just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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