its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
