You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
