Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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