I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
