new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
