i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just had sex on a roof
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
