so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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