i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
