Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
