Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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