I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
