I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
