if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
whose parrot is this?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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