my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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