i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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