my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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