thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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